Me, Myself, and Anxiety...

Good ole anxiety. I am not a therapist, but I have fought with anxiety all my life. I do take medication, not specifically for my anxiousness though. Here are some of my struggle bus experiences.

Some backstory, since I was very young, I've been curious. My mom told me stories of instances in grocery stores, where I would interrogate perfect strangers on what they were buying. I then proceeded to ask them, "Why are you getting that, or what's that for?" Sure enough, they would give an inquisitive 3-year-old the full rundown. My point is 3-year-old me wasn't too anxious with people or so I thought.

My first encounter with anxiety, were birthday parties. In elementary school, classmates would invite everyone to their party. These celebrations would be full of kids, about 15 of us. Once we walked through the door, I would cling to my mom as if the floor was lava. She would ask if I wanted to go play but I would decline. Towards the end of this party, I would feel comfortable enough and want to go play. By then though, the party was already over, and no more kids were playing.

As I grew into a teenager, I became more anxious. I also was/am a paid overthinker. (Paid by my sanity.) I found that my anxiety was debilitating, I couldn't go out in the world without having random bursts of getting super uncomfortable when I would go shopping with my mom. I would become irritated and outright ask to leave the store. I would try to shrink myself as much as I could. I attribute this to my being "scared" of people. I always felt as if I was being watched, monitored. This was an irrational fear of mine. Doing something wrong, messing up. I found out that this was most likely due to past experiences of wrongful judgment.

As for my overthinking, I would come up with a million reasons as to why I couldn't, wouldn't do something. Say if my mom asked me to go get more napkins in a restaurant because our meal was messy. All these thoughts would start swirling in my head. What if I trip, what if someone talks to me, what if I can't find the napkins, what if they are out them once I find them, what if someone asks me a question, I don't know the answer to, what if, what if, what if! This would all happen before I even stood up from the table and attempted to get the napkins. My mom could see me freaking out inside and knew exactly what I was thinking. She would always calmly say, "And what if none of that happens. You can't what if yourself to death." and "It's ok to mess up, you're human, it's what we're supposed to do." or "Believe in you like I do." even "As long as you tried your best." She always knew that when push came to shove, I could anything.

This would eventually give me the courage to do the little and big things. Getting the napkins, going to cash register and paying, getting my driver's license, saying "I'm not sure, if I didn't know something, going to the restroom alone, start my dating journey. Would you believe I'm now a delivery driver; I live in an apartment with my boyfriend (I never thought I had the ability to live on my own), and I go places alone all the time! Heck my mom and I moved to a new state. I went out of my comfort zone constantly because I knew I could and needed to.

Of course, I still get anxious as all of us do but I'm able to manage it. I don't overthink to extremes like I once did. You're probably thinking it's because of my medication but I feel that my mom's words finally sank in. I don't have to shrink to the size of a pea to please anyone. I'll be ok if I make a mistake or don't know the answer to a question. No one is expecting me to have all the answers. I'm held back by my anxiety, sometimes it creeps in but when it happens, I listen to what she's told me over the years. I have faith in myself and my abilities. Until next time. Bye!

Lesson Learned: The world can be scary, but believing in ourselves, trying, and having a support system, makes it a lot less daunting.